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Childish Games
Childish Games is the twenty-third episode of the spin-off, Absorbent Days, and the third episode of season 2. In this episode, after littering, Squidward is sentenced to become the caretaker of a local daycare named the Exact Antonym of Standard Youth, or EASY. The children, proving to be more eccentric than expected. Squidward, frustrated, attempts to play the children at their own game, yet this plan nearly gets the children sent to military school. Now, Squidward has until ten o'clock that night to get the children to become behaved. Will this all pay off or turn out disastrous? This episode is paired with The Slug Quintet. Characters *Squidward Tentacles *Patrick Star (cameo) *Police Officers (debut) **Police Officer 1/Officer Flounder **Police Officer 2 *EASY Children (debut) **Child 1 **Child 2/Kenny **Child 3 **Child 4 **Child 5 *Female Fish *Judge Transcript *''begins with Squidward, walking out of his house to his garden; Squidward is holding a watering can and is wearing a garden hat; gloves are hanging from a belt along with other gardening supplies'' *'Squidward:' on knees; leans to plants It has been a couple of days, my sweet tulips. But now, you shall now receive your watering...once again. water on tulips *''tulip's flowers absorb the water; the tulip sinks and then rises and blooms'' *'Squidward:' My first bloom this season. sarcastically I wonder who could ruin even this moment. up Well, luckily, he's at work and I'm here, on my day off...that I had to beg for. more plants *'Patrick:' over to Squidward Hey there, Squid-nose. *'Squidward:' Patrick, you calling me that name is exactly why I had to get the cops down here! a tall plant Go away or I'll do something I'll regret. *'Patrick:' Such as what, Squidward? *'Squidward:' Uh...well...I'll have to think about it. to side Just leave! *'Patrick:' So that means I can stay? *'Squidward:' facepalms What in the world made you possibly believe that I meant stay? *'Patrick:' in same direction as Squidward You're pointing to your own house. *'Squidward:' at finger, pointing to his own house; wipes face with hand Patrick, I will pay you into pocket; pulls out gum one stick of gum to leave. *'Patrick:' Okay! up and down in joy, yet crushing tulips *'Squidward:' stick of gum at Patrick's face Go! *'Patrick:' away gleefully Wheee! *'Squidward:' at wrapper in hand Well, now what do I do with this wrapper? at it carefully I wonder if I can make a helicopter from this? Nah! We're not falling for that one again, now are we?. wrapper away *'SpongeBob:' out of house with megaphone Hello there, Bikini Bottom! What a nice morning, wouldn't you agree?! *'Squidward:' around It was a nice morning. watering can Now it's too early in the morning. watering Can I at least just water my own garden without... *'SpongeBob:' What?! Litter? to the gum wrapper Why would someone throw something on the ground as if an imaginary trash can is down there? And why would they do it on Squidward's lawn? *'Squidward:' That little blabber mouth! to cover SpongeBob's mouth SpongeBob! Stop that...talking of yours. *'SpongeBob:' removes hand What is it, Squidward? I'm just expressing my discontent for whomever littered on your, Squidward Tentacles, lawn? Litter?! *'Squidward:' Would you be quiet? You little...! *'Police Officer:' offscreen Litter, eh? *'SpongeBob:' gasps The cops! Squidward, what did you?! *'Squidward:' up SpongeBob; kicks him into horizon Uh...nervously May I help you, officer? *'Police Officer:' Actually, you can. But not just me. angrily You can help the community by picking up the trash you left on the ground! *'Squidward:' Oh, to wrapper that trash. Oh, I can assure you officer, I had nothing to do with that wrapper. *'Police Officer:' Oh really? writing ticket That story is likely, ticket yet not enough to fool this certain police officer. Squidward the ticket *'Squidward:' ticket What's this? *'Police Officer:' It's a ticket for littering. *'Squidward:' Why should I get a ticket for littering on my own lawn? *'Police Officer:' Just read it! *'Squidward:' ticket aloud "This ticket is issued to the litterbug in question. Punishment and/or Consequence: Court date"?! *'Police Officer:' That's right! You're court date is tomorrow, unless I get a 729. Then it'll be immediate. *'Walkie-Talkie:' Officer Flounder! Come in. I have a seven twenty...eight. I repeat: a seventy twenty eight! male voice is heard through the walkie-talkie saying "Put it down! Put it down!" Oops. I mean a seven twenty nine. I repeat fish voice says "They heard you the first time!"; walkie-talkie hangs up *'Officer Flounder:' Let's go, Mr. Squidward. *''cuts a courthouse; Squidward is in the waiting room, waiting for the case in session to conclude; security guards are scanning the perimeter; the case closes and the plantiff and defendant depart; Squidward begins walking into the courtroom'' *'Announcer:' cuts to announcer And we move to our next case: Squidward Tentacles. Well...there you go. pans to Squidward, at his podium, before the judge *'Judge:' So, Mr. Squidward. You have been accused of littering on your own lawn. *'Squidward:' An unfortunate truth. *'Judge:' Do you deny this? *'Squidward:' hand on table What I deny is the police officer who gave me the ticket! I mean seriously. Why get a ticket for littering on your own lawn? *'Judge:' Obviously you're not familiar with the updated city ordinance. *'Squidward:' What updated city ordinance? *'Judge:' over desk angrily The one I just made up! You cannot litter on your own lawn. It's still litter! Therefore, Mr. Tentacles, I sentencing you to...rings Ooh. I have to take this. phone Hello? pause What do you mean she quit? pause It's not that hard. pause Oh...well, there's that. up I've come to my conclusion! Mr. Squidward, you are sentenced to take care of my son's daycare for the rest of the day! Until midnight! Or whatever their bedtime is. up hammer Court is now a journey! hammer on nail Ironic, right? *'Squidward:' What?! walking out of courtroom A daycare? This is going to spoil...no...squander my talents! *'Police Officer 2:' Yeah yeah. Squidward Just get in the car. Squidward into open car door *'Squidward:' hands to window Help! Help! This is kidnap! self I think with this problem, kid is the wrong choice of words. *'Police Officer 2:' If this isn't going to be a long car ride...into car and drives away *''cuts to a medium-sized building; the car Squidward and the police officer are in pulls up; kids are seen running in front of the building'' *'Squidward:' out of car I've got to get out of here! *'Police Officer 2:' in front of Squidward with segway Halt, Mr. Squidward! *'Squidward:' Halt? *'Police Officer 2:' I'm forced to use it with the job. *'Squidward:' No no. I'm fine with it. I'm just surprised you would use it in the prescene of these children. *'Police Officer 2:' It helps to confuse them to keep them sane. eyes You wouldn't believe how many complaints the city got about broken windows, noise complaints, destruction of several roofs, and loss of valuables. to Squidward And that was just at my house. to side of car with segway Well then. Have fun. into car and drives away *'Squidward:' scoffs Doubt it. at building and sees the word "EASY" Easy? I don't see what's so hard about this with a name like "Easy"? into building to see many child-like accessories such as bouncy houses Piece of cake. of cake hits Squidward's face *'Child 1:' Hey, you were right, Frank. The cake's trajectory would hit the creepy squid guy in the face! *'Squidward:' cake off with towel Clever. Clever. self Everyone here is a critic. down at leg, only to see a child biting on it *'Child 2:' I didn't know the cafeteria served calamari! chewing *'Squidward:' Ah! child off Stay alert, Squiddy. You're in uncharted territory. *'Child 1:' What's "TUR-RIT-TURY territory? It sounds fun. *'Squidward:' Territory! That's it! That's it! all children into corner Okay, everyone. If you want to play your silly games, then go to the kid's corner with all the fun stuff. I will stay in the adult corner, where people are mature and play. Yet play only by the rules. *'Child 1:' another child Notice how their's only one of them. children laugh *'Squidward:' Are you...you...how dare...?! Fah! down and opens book I don't need them. I have solitary confinement...which may sound wrong, yet in this case, is the best case scenario. back in chair and reads No Angelina! No! Tell him how much you need that job! is thrown at Squidward Just ignore it, Angelina. I mean, Squidward. growls *'Child 1:' Child 2 He's not cracking. We need to turn up the power. *'Squidward:' reading Why, Angelina? Just why did you have to break the boss's window? flurry of lightning quick balls shread through the book; the book pages catch fire; the smoke Puffs and the dust blows away I guess we'll never know. up and walks to bouncy house Okay, you little children. I'll bite...no...I'll bite and then chew! Why do you keep throwing balls at me? *'Child 1:' shoulders We wanted to. And it's fun. *'Squidward:' You disentegrated my book! *'Child 1:' Reading's not fun. throw a flurry of balls at Squidward, knocking him into the ballpit *'Squidward:' from balls Oh no. back in; rises and gasps for air I'm drowning! I'm...rises with a straight face What am I doing? hits face That's it! eight balls using hands and feet; throws all of the balls simultaneously at children *''hits child fish; the child fish falls down; next ball hits child behind the first child; continues until reaching last child; the children prop back up'' *'Child 1:' This means war! run into ball pit and throw Squidward out Time to take you down, squid guy! pour all of the balls from the ball pit at Squidward, flooding him *'Squidward:' below all of the balls; rises above balls, coughing Looks like my mother was right. below the balls *''cuts to Squidward, carrying a cup of coffee'' *'Squidward:' coffee Good ol' coffee. around Now hopefully those children won't return and ruin even this. It's my only time to relax. crash is heard; looks out of kitchen What's going on in here?! *'Child 4:' Whoops. I think I made a mess. looks up at Squidward Looks like the squid guy is going to have to clean it up. *'Squidward:' Oh, I clean up something, alright. child paper towels Your act! Clean it up yourself! You children are going to have to learn to do things on your own instead of causing all of these messes! *'Child 1:' Ironic, eh? *'Squidward:' What is? *'Child 1:' How you're telling us to clean up when you're the one who got into this mess by in laugh littering. *'Squidward:' Why...I...you! I have had enough of you for today! at children You all want messes? I'll give you messes! coffee onto ground There! How's that?! *'Child 1:' Kind of the same, really. *'Squidward:' Kind of the...?! a cup from child How about something that you hold near and dear, huh? cup into ball pit Huh? How do you like that? *''tie up Squidward'' *'Squidward:' What are you doing, you goons? *'Child 1:' We're making you clean up your mess! Your cloth? The only cloth you need is the blanket of vengeance! throw Squidward into ball pit *'Squidward:' midair I hate this jooooob! below the balls *''cuts to Squidward, sitting in the corner with his eyes squinted; the children are making loud noises in the background'' *'Squidward:' I never knew children could make these many annoying sounds...at nap time! *'Child 1:' What did you expect this job to be? *'Squidward:' It even says it on your building! I thought this job was going to easy! *'Child 1:' Easy? thinks Oh. You mean the name of building. "EASY". *'Squidward:' Yes. The name of the building. *'Child 1:' down Oh, you're just like every other caretaker that came here when Ms. Guppy is away. They always suspect the name as truth. Not many know that EASY is actually an acronym. *'Squidward:' Acronym?! *'Child 1:' Exact Antonym of Standard Youth. EASY. *'Squidward:' Why didn't you tell me this earlier?! *'Child 1:' Why didn't you ask?! away *'Squidward:' trumpets in his ear sourly You call that music?! stop the noises and stare at Squidward This is music, little children! out clarinet; begins playing sourly as well *''begin to whine; some children are covering their ears; others are fainting'' *'Child 5:' the clarinet Stop this torture! Are you a monster?! *'Squidward:' Am I a monster?! You're the ones causing me so much stress, that I had to take stress pills for my stress pills! *'Child 3:' offscreen He's right over there, officers! pans quickly to Child 3, cornered by two police officers *'Police Officer 3:' Come with us, Mr. Squidward. Squidward and carries him out door *'Squidward:' But I'm not the one at fault! *''cuts back to the EASY building; a police car drops Squidward off in front of the building'' *'Squidward:' into the EASY building That's it, children! I'm tired of this! Being trampled by balls! Being thrown into the balls while being tied up! And now, a visit to the police station?! I'm done with all of this! *'Child 4:' Does that include...? *'Squidward:' Yes! I have no other choice! Children, get out! *'Child 1:' But this is our pre-school. *'Squidward:' I don't care! I want all of you out! of the children begin walking out of the open door That's right. Keep it moving! door Finally, some alone time. down in chair Finally a place to relax...without a ball getting thrown at my head. hits shoulder; looks at corner What in the sea?! *'Child 2:' You left the door unlocked. another ball at Squidward *'Squidward:' growling; gets idea Wow, these balls seem fun. ball; throws it at vase, breaking it; ball bounces back They seem to bounce perfectly. behind ball pit; tips the ball pit over, causing a flood of balls over the children This is fun! a cup on the ground, spilling the contents *''cuts to a montage of Squidward, throwing balls, spilling cups, breaking objects, and squeaking his clarinet'' *'Female Fish:' into EASY building I'm here to check on the children. around, seeing an abundance of mess; numerous fluids spilled everywhere; dents in the walls; the lighting is flickering Oh my Neptune! What in the world is going on here? *'Squidward:' squeaking; looks back quickly; body turns to neck Ooooh...all this mess? Well, uh, this mess is...well...uh...children all the children's fault! *'Female Fish:' at the children both in anger and disgust Why, I never...! I thought that this exchange was going to straighten you kids out! But I guess I was wrong! eyes; stands firmly It looks like I have no choice, but to send you toddlers to none other than...music military school. *'Squidward:' gasps Military school?! *'Female Fish:' military outfits over the children The bus will be here tomorrow at noon. *'Squidward:' gulps Wait, Miss...uh...Miss. I promise I can straighten these fray children out. Just give me some more time. I can do this! *'Female Fish:' Well, considering that the court issued you here until the children's bedtime, I guess I can give you until to Squidward ten o'clock tonight, Squidward. I'll be back at that time precisely. These children better be fixed by then...or else the court will have some words to say to you, Mr. Tentacles. walks out of EASY building *'Squidward:' fingers Until ten o'clock? at clock It's six o'clock now! sweating How am I going to fix these children in less than four hours? flies into face Of all of the things that have inflicted my face, face with hand that has to be the most disgusting. face again And most...noodle-ly. at child, who is eating food with their hands Don't they have ethics here? *'Child 4:' No, not really. All we really do is do something wrong and learn from it. shoulders But that process could take weeks. Sometimes even months. *'Squidward:' Really? at entire table of children; some eating with their hands; others eating with forks *'Child 2:' attempts to pick up food with fork, yet failing Why won't this fork collect any food? *'Squidward:' Hmm? at fork It's because this fork is not for eating dinner foods. It's for eating appetizers. *'Child 2:' What's an appetizer? *'Squidward:' Don't you children learn anything here? *''exchange looks; children then look at Squidward and shake their heads'' *'Squidward:' two forks, one longer than the other Do you see these two forks? The look the same, right? nod They do. But they both have different purposes. up longer fork This fork is the one I see most you using. It's very common. Long, fits a larger hand, and picks up food pretty well. up bowl Preferably dinner foods. contents of bowl to children This is not dinner food. This is...in bowl let's see. We have lettuce, tomato, a couple of onions. Here we have what is known as a "salad". down bowl Salads are not dinner foods. They are what you call "appetizers". For such foods as appetizers, you use the up smaller fork small fork. This fork is the one you children should use for your "snackies" and "lunchies". Yet, the up larger fork larger fork should be used for dinner foods, such as clam stew, crema de gamberi, and...blank children *'Child 1:' Dude. I think you lost us. *'Squidward:' sighs Long fork: dinner. Short fork: lunch. *'Child 4:' Oh. It's all clear now. two forks beside plate *'Squidward:' Beh beh beh. both forks *'Child 4:' Are you trying to starve me, man? *'Squidward:' If that's what it takes to make you children learn ethics, then yes. Before you even think of eating... *'Child 4:' But I've already thought of it. *'Squidward:' Quiet! Now, before you even eat, you must learn how to place your forks. forks on table It's simple. large fork on left The large fork on your left. short fork on the right of large fork The short fork on your right. *'Child 4:' Can I eat now? *'Squidward:' up finger "May you eat now?", you mean. *'Child 4:' May I eat now? hands Child 4 the forks *'Squidward:' self I think I might be able to pull this off yet. *'Child 2:' Really, because I think that Kenny has quite a good grip on your leg this time. *'Squidward:' down at leg to see Kenny, gnawing Squidward's leg again What are you doing? *'Kenny:' I told you. I like calamari. gnawing *''cuts to Squidward, in the middle of the room'' *'Squidward:' Now, we are going to learn how to "shake hands". It very simple. out hand You hold out your hand. arm up and down You move your arm upward and downward. Now let's all try it. out hand for children to practice shaking We'll practice by shaking my hand. *'Child 1:' sighs If it'll keep me out of military school...Squidward's hand; lets go There we are. *'Squidward:' Hold it! Child 1 You call that a shake? *'Child 1:' I call it passing. *'Squidward:' You may call it passing, but you're not going to pass me until you give me a shake. Now shake my hand! out hand again *'Child 1:' scoffs Lame combat. shaking Squidward's hands *'Squidward:' Come on. You can do it harder than that, right? *'Child 1:' shake Is that good? *'Squidward:' Puffs in cheeks; in pain Yeah, that's good. *'Child 1:' Are you sure I'm not hurtng you? *'Squidward:' Nope. I'm f...faints *''cuts to Squidward, at a long table; the children are all sitting opposite of Squidward'' *'Squidward:' Okay, children. Now that you all sort of know the basics, especially those who know how to medically revive someone...at child *'Child 3:' It was my pleasure. *'Squidward:' Really? How come you can perform CPR yet you can't even hold a spork?! *'Child 3:' Because I'm too caught up being yelled at by a squid. *'Squidward:' stutters Why...you children! You know what. We don't have time for this. We have to move on to our next subject. *'Child 1:' Which is...? *'Squidward:' Proper ways of speaking. *'Child 1:' But don't we already speaking proper? *'Squidward:' sighs If only. *''cuts to montage of Squidward teaching the children proper speaking'' *'Squidward:' out of room Whoo. That's the most work I've had to do in ages. Hopefully it all paid off. *'Child 1:' Hey, squid. You promised me twenty bucks. *'Female Fish:' in It's time, Mr. Tentacles. Did the children learn their proper skills? *'Squidward:' to children Okay, children. Let's show Miss...uh...Miss, what we've learned. Uh, you...to child show this...um...lady, the proper fork placement. *'Child 1:' Can do! into kitchen; pulls out two forks, one longer than the other The shorter fork is used for the dinner foods, and the larger fork for the appetizers. *'Squidward:' facepalms If only time came with a reset button. to another child You. Execute the proper technique for a hand shake. *'Child 2:' out hand Let's shake on it. Squidward's hand; begins shaking vigorously *'Squidward:' Okay, that'll do! 2 stop vigorous shaking; sighs Yep. Really want that reset button. And finally, proper speech. to child You. You...know what to do. *'Child 3:' throat How are I today? *'Squidward:' Use your sheet! *'Child 3:' at sheet I have good today. *'Squidward:' facepalm Oh, come on! *'Child 3:' Squidward, the stuff you wrote doesn't sound right. I think you need to work on your vocabulary. *'Squidward:' Go! Child 3 out of way Look, miss. I know things may look bad, but... *'Female Fish:' No need to hear more, Mr. Squidward. smiles I can see the effort you've put into these children. I can see they know throat the...uh...basics, somewhat. Therefore, I will not be sending them to military school. *''entire crowd, excluding a proud female fish, cheers'' *'Squidward:' beeps Yes! Ten o'clock. We're done! Whoo hoo! in happiness; slips on a ball; the ball begins bouncing, breaking plates and other objects *'Child 4:' self; grunting Must...not...react. grunts Can't play with...balls. yells Ah! I can't take it anymore! *''snap and begin running around the place; the children begin throwing and flooding balls around the building; objects begin breaking'' *'Female Fish:' This is all your fault, Mr. Squidward! I gave you enough time to train these children to be calm, and you turn them into monsters! I should get a police officer down here right now! *'Squidward:' Police officer? That's it! in center of living room I know what I must do. in Children! Children! Stop your frolic! Return to civilized demeanor! Do not rebound your balls off the walls. Don't annihilate the objects surrounding your environment! Return to stability and law-abiding children. calm down and sits in a row in front of Squidward *'Female Fish:' Whoa. How did you do that? *'Squidward:' I remember the police officer telling me how to calm the children down. By using large words. *'Female Fish:' I guess you really do know how to handle these children. *'Squidward:' Oh please. It's too...easy. hits Squidward's head *''ends'' Category:Absorbent Days Category:Absorbent Days Episodes Category:Absorbent Days Episodes: Season Two Category:Episodes Category:Templates Category:2013 Category:Transcripts Category:Episode Transcripts